dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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