shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You are the jesus of drinking
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
