we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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