Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
love makes seman taste better
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
