Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
