Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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