It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
