My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
