So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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