peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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