She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You ruined the universe
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
