His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
