I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
