I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
