I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
