I think im going to throw up on grandma
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
