Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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