oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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