I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
