I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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