3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You were trust falling into bushes
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
