Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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