Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
