You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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