Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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