You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
