How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
