Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
