Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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