I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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