the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
