I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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