My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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