oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
