i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
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No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
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It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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