omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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