you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
