So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
