she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
