i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
