just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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