I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
