Pregnant stripper...not hot.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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