So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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