Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
