You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
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I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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