Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
