Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
