When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
