he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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