I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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