So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
