is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it