normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
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He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"