My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life