My hand turned me down
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
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I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
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This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux