god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
