He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize