I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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