Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
