Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
