I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
