im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We have started to decorate penises.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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