i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
His nipple licking is glorious
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